two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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