I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
