a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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