If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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