If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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