WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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