So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize