he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
