I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
