I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
