too bad you live with your parents still
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
