The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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