Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
