he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
