Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
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So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
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He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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