Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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