Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Randomize
