I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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