In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
