when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
