You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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