I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
