the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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