Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
