I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
