Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
