And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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