In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
