walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
