he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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