it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
