your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
