I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
