Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
