I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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