Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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