Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
