Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Drunk is not a location!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
