i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
