Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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