he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
