I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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