I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
