it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
