i will never coherently bang her
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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