I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
