Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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