That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
