What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
