I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
