My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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