I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
