I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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