My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
