I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
