my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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