What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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