I hate your face
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
