He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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