I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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