i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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