I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
