Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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