The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
