i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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