I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
