Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
